i don’t even drink.

my 21st year of being a human being is coming to a close and i’d like to look back and talk about some things.

i spent most of my 21st birthday with zak on the couch in our old apartment. we watched tv mostly. a movie maybe. we went to the DMV where i posed for a photo that would be placed on a landscape ID. he took me to dinner where i ordered a fruity alcoholic beverage and was not carded.

in september, zak and i went to our first Royals game where i ate 2 hot dogs, nachos, and cotton candy. we were on the kiss came and we were both secretly ecstatic about it. we lost, and i didn’t feel good later because i ate 2 hotdogs, nachos, and cotton candy.

in October, zak and i moved from our first apartment, to our second. i had decided i needed a pool. i’ve yet to use the pool. my new priorities are washer and dryer hook-ups. i also got my certification in custom framing. it was awesome at the time.

in november, my parents came and my mom cooked zak and i thanksgiving dinner. i started having blurry vision around this time, and had my first MRI.

in december, zak’s grandmother, Velma, passed away. i only knew her for 6 years, but i think of her often. i miss that woman very much.
zak and i celebrated christmas at his mothers house, and on new years eve, (our 6 years) zak asked me to marry him. December was its own little roller coaster.

in January, Callie and i celebrated 5 years of friendship. not physically, but in our hearts.

in February, i was diagnosed with MS, and then gained like 15 lbs from taking steroids for 3 weeks. i was also given full-time at work. I’m basically made of money now. and fat.

in march, zak turned 23. i became an expert on changing a tire, and jumping a car. i started my copaxone injections. AND discovered dunkin’ donuts pistachio iced coffee AND my life will never be the same. oh, and we also saw gary clark jr. and he was great.

in april, i said yes to the dress. aaaaafter visiting a davids bridal and questioning why we even bothered looking anywhere else because davids bridal is probably the worst place I’ve ever been.

in may, i celebrated working at hobby lobby for 3 years. which, i don’t know.. shouldn’t be celebrated, probably.

and here we are. its june. this month i’ve mostly been tired.

i’m tired of injecting a drug into my body 3 times a week.
which maybe sounds as awful as it is. but to expand on the issue, its hard to hurt yourself 3 times a week when you’re not fully sure that it is helping you.
(i actually had a copaxone nurse comes over last night for my 3 month check up. she was able to give me some reassurance on the fact that this drug really does help me. i really needed that.)

i’m tired of going to work everyday and trying not to quit.
which doesn’t sound any different than any other person in the world, but i really hate being there sometimes.
at the beginning of the month, one of my favorite people to work with put in his two weeks. and up until that point i think i felt like at least i had someone there with me to keep me sane in this cluster fuck frame shop, but now i was in it alone, and i didn’t think i was going to be able to do it with just me, so i’ve been contemplating quitting for awhile.
long story short, we are a VERY busy frame shop, where we are barely finishing work on time, with already not enough framers, and now we are down one, and its just not fucking right.

on top of all of that, zak got a stomach virus, which i then got, and we had to buy a new trashcan.

other things in june include:

my dad having a total knee replacement.
we now have two beds in our apartment.
we went to our second royals game and it was so hot holy shit. (this time i got 2 hotdogs, frozen lemonade, and a foam finger.)
i cried at work.
and i watched the new season of OITNB.

on a side note, zak and i get a lot of free stuff.
we go to this wendy’s and sometimes their just like, “would you like a free frosty while you wait?” yes.
once at minsky’s pizza, they messed up our pizza so they gave us the messed up one for free and then made us a whole new one.
the company i get my medicine through are always sending me free things like, yoga dvd, ice packs, bags, water bottles, alcohol wipes, travel bags..
the other day the place i bought my wedding dress called and was like, “hey, you didn’t get a shirt, what size are you?” and sent me a shirt. (which btw, if you are looking for an amazing bridal experience, i HIGHLY recommend Ivory & Lace in Warrensburg, MO. LINK HERE. it was a great experience and Rachel is so kind and helpful!)
once i got free doughnut holes at dunkin’ because i had a long wait.
and once i got a free taco at taco bell because i had a long wait.

anyway, i hope 22 is awesome. i hope i can find something to be passionate about. i hope that i can stick to a healthier diet. i hope the rest of my wedding planning goes well. i hope i can like my job again.

i’m okay.

so, i left my last post somewhat open ended. i shared the struggles i was going through to find out what was wrong with me. i had visited multiple doctors, sat in multiple waiting rooms, woke up early to be at appointments “30 minutes before your appointment to fill out paper work.” i ended the post with hope of good news from the neurologist at my next doctors appointment. well, there was news. and i guess in a sense it was good. but before we continue on with that, lets talk about what i’ve been up to since then.

i’m full time now, and a lot of people have been asking me how i like it.
well, its really no different than being part time. i was already doing the work, just not for as many hours in the week. i like that i feel like i have a job. the pay is very nice. its hard to not go out and spend all the money i made when pay day rolls around.
i am tired more often. like, always tired. props to all the people with kids and real jobs and other responsibilities. the only things i think about now is work, food, and sleep. (i’ll explain why food is such a big deal to me now, later.)
i can say that I’m more good at my job than i am bad. i’ve learned a lot by working in such a busy, fast paced frame shop. however, my own personal motto is “maybe they won’t notice.” not that i half ass all my work, but when things go wrong, or something just doesn’t look right, you do your best to fix it and hope the customer just doesn’t notice. as framers, we notice all the little imperfections and problems with a piece, because thats our job, but 9 times out of 10, the customer doesn’t notice shit. and thus, the motto was born. (i don’t know what thus means, but it sounds right.)

moving on.

zak, my future husband, had a birthday. he’s like really old now. 23 years of age. he complained of a weird heart problem for a while, and recently had to get glasses because he can’t see. a couple months ago he read a whole book. i tell him he should take vitamins but he “doesn’t need to take vitamins.” (yes. i’m being dramatic. 23 is not old. he really did have a weird heart breathing problem for a while. he did get glasses, but he doesn’t necessarily need them. he did read a whole book. he actually would choose reading over tv.) he started juicing again. no comment on that one. he bought a basketball and he goes and dunks on all the kids at the park. aaaaaand thats what zak is up to.
zak. my future husband.

WHAT ELSE.

lilly had a birthday. she’s 1 now. lilly is my niece. i spent my first ‘every other saturday off’ in dodge for her birthday party where they will claim there was cake, but there wasn’t cake. however, her mother did a good job with the whole 1 year old birthday party. i don’t think lilly really cared, but a lot of people who care about her came to see her not open her own gifts. which was stressful to watch.
i few other things that i enjoyed while visiting home:
i went to dinner with just my brother and my parents. its been awhile since it was just us 4, and it was nice.
i got to see a lot of family, although not for long, it was still nice.
i got to see my best friend, barely. it was such a short busy trip that i didn’t really get to visit with callie much. it was still nice to see her.
i ate so many tacos.
i didn’t have to make or pay for sunday breakfast.

hmm…

i’ve seen so many republican debates. oh man, if you feel like getting pissed off, watching the republican debates will get you there. all i can say is, i can’t fucking believe i live in a country with so many stupid people. i hate trump so much. if you truly believe trump, OF ALL PEOPLE, will make america great again, you don’t deserve to live in america. #tuckfrump #gokillyourself

well, i guess the only thing left is to tell you the news.

i want to start by saying that i have thought a lot about posting what I’m about to share. i’m not posting this because i feel like i owe my 3 readers an update from the last post. i am sharing this information with the world because i want people to know that i am okay. and that its okay. and that everything is going to be okay.

alright, so i ended up having to go to this doctor appointment by myself. not because zak didn’t want to go, but because zak has a real job where he is needed because he is very smart and good at what he does. whatever that is. anyway, after reviewing the MRIs of my spin, the doctor had found 1, possibly 2 lesions. which with the symptoms i was having, concluded that i have multiple sclerosis. (remember when i thought it was just a B12 deficiency? those were the days.)

for those of you who don’t know what multiple sclerosis is;

a chronic, typically progressive disease involving damage to the sheaths of nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, whose symptoms may include numbness, impairment of speech and of muscular coordination, blurred vision, and severe fatigue.

it is also a forever disease. basically, my body is attacking my body for no reason. the symptoms i was experiencing would be what they call an “attack.” even if the symptoms go away, or if i take something that helps them go away, i can still relapse, and it can happen again on different parts of my body with no warning. however, it may be years before i have another “attack” or i may never have one again. there is no current cure, and they are unsure as to what causes the disease.

as you can imagine, i was devastated and was unable to hold back my tears. the doctor explained some things, and some options for treatment. she ordered like 20 different blood tests, and was going to take a look at my brain MRIs from november. she prescribed me some steroids or get rid of the pain i was having in my feet and hand and also some valium in case i might need it. (which i haven’t. i know i worry about everything, but as my mom put it, there is a difference between being in a stressful situation, and just being anxious for no reason. which i am not. but JUST IN CASE.)

i know my parents are going to read this and worry about me, i would like to re direct them to the paragraph where i said I’m okay, everything is okay, its all gonna be okay.

as i sat alone in the examination room, i texted zak. i hate to admit this, but my first thoughts were if he’d stay by my side. and the first thing he texted back was, “i love you no matter what.” (or something, i don’t know. whatever it was, it was exactly what i hoped to hear.) i cried on the drive home, and spent the rest of the day doing whatever the hell i wanted to do.

so, i eat healthier now. not that that will fix anything, but it could help. i eat a lot of raw fruit and vegetables which makes me have to pee more often, and thats way more annoying than you may think. i eat very little meat. again, not because it will fix anything, but it might help. and I’m also just really over meat. its important that i get a lot of sunshine, so i eat lunch on my balcony when i can, and zak and i go to the park when we can. zak actually bought a couple books for me, but also for himself. i still don’t know everything about MS. its hard for me to read about it. makes me sad. mostly because everything it so dramatic and way worse than anything i am currently experiencing or dealing with like, “omg this is my future” *sob sob sob*

zak has been very helpful and supportive through everything, and continues to do so. he is very optimistic about everything.

zak was able to take me to my next follow up appointment where my mother joined us via speaker phone. the doctor went through things again and explained that there was also a lesion on my brain. she recommend a treatment she thought to be best for my situation which is self injections 3 times a week of a drug called copaxone. i am mailed a months worth of medicine that i get to keep in the fridge next to the milk and orange juice, and i have a little injector pen so i don’t have to manually poke myself and squirt stuff into my fat. a nurse came over last night and trained me on the do’s and don’t’s and i did my first injection. the needle did not hurt, but the medicine in my body did, but i’m okay, and its okay, and everything is gonna be okay.

the medicine does not stop attacks. and it does not cure me. but it does slow down my body from attacking itself. a preventative if you will.

anyway, if you are my family, or close friend, it is important that you know this. it is important to me and my well being. although i am okay, and everything is okay, and it gonna be okay, knowing what i am dealing with will help you help me. (i read that in a book.) again, i do not have all the answers myself, and i am still learning about MS everyday. i am not afraid to talk about it, and its not a secret, and I’m not disabled.

i have an auto-immune disease, because the only thing tough enough to kick my ass is me.

in case anyone was wondering..

hey guys! its been awhile. so, in case you were wondering, heres whats been going on with me.

I GOT ENGAGED!
on zak and i’s 6 year anniversary, zak proposed to me in the cold on a bridge on the plaza. it was a complete surprise, and he did everything pretty perfectly. its an amazing feeling to know someone you care so much about wants to pick your towel up off the bed and hang it back up in the bathroom everyday for the rest of their lives.

besides that, back in november my right eye decided to go blurry and cause me pain. i went to the eye doctor, who sent me to another eye doctor, who sent me to get an MRI on my brain, and then back to the second eye doctor where they basically said, “idk.”
he actually recommended i go see a neurologist and that my headaches might be a leading cause, but eventually the pain and blurriness subsided and i shrugged it off. its quite expensive to have a few doctors tell you “idk.”

but wait, theres more!
towards the end on january, i noticed numbness in my right foot which quickly spread to the entire right side of my body. mainly noticeable in my foot and hand. so.. i went ahead and made that neurologist appointment.
the doctor asked a ton of questions, poked at my arms and legs, asked me to walk the line, and then she was like, “idk.” actually, she let me know that nothing was wrong with my brain, and told me that i was not obese (not that that was a concern, but nice to hear.) she was more concerned than any doctor i had talk to by that point, and prescribed me something to “help” with my headaches, ordered blood tests to check a few things, and highly recommended a lumbar puncture. it was a start.
my lumbar puncture was scheduled for a week later, but as the week went on the numbness had spread over to my left foot as well, making walking uncomfortable. the whole situation was uncomfortable and i may have had a break down or two. its frustrating to have multiple doctors tell you, “idk.”
during the days leading up to my procedure, zak had been looking up videos and information on spinal taps. i didn’t want to know or see anything as i was already freaking myself out without even knowing anything.
the day came and zak drove me to the medical center. i was very scared at this point. i was there to have a needle put into my spin and i would be awake for the whole thing. it was one of those situations you wish your mom was there for, but i guess your future husband is the next best thing.
a nurse came and took zak and i to a room where i got changed into a gown. she explained the procedure to me, and gave me a valium. after her explanation, i felt a lot more at ease. (it was probably the valium.) i met the doctor who would be stabbing me in the back, and a second nurse took my blood and destroyed my vein so much that i had a big bump for a week, and a bruise for 2 weeks. STILL.
all and all, the worst pain was from them numbing my back before even going into my spin. it hurt so much that i let out a small squeal, shed a tear, had to be reminded to
breathe, and wished very much to go home. the only thing i felt after that was pressure, which meant there was a needle in my spin. the whole thing took about 10 minutes. they sewed me up with a single band-aid and rolled me back to my room
to lay on my back for an hour before i could go home. the nurse informed me that the pressure of my spinal fluid was OK and even though that was good news, it meant that we still didn’t know what was wrong with me.
after an hour, we got to go home. i was instructed to lay as flat as i could in the car on the way home, and to lay flat on my back for at least 8 hours when i got there. what a fun fucking nightmare that was.

here is where things start looking up for poor’ll reace.

the next day i find out that I’m low on B-12, and that my doctor wants me to start taking that daily. (just so you know, i looked up my numbness problem on the internet, and a B-12 deficiency was one of the things that could be wrong with me. which was the least worrisome of all the things that could be wrong with me, so i was rooting for that one.) when i went into work later that day, i had noticed a new schedule had been posted. i looked at it, and i had full time hours. what? finally? what?! sure enough, i had been given full time. i was going to be getting paid more, for work i was already doing, and the thought of not having to worry about how i was going to pay my medical bills was lifted from my shoulders. i was happy. for a while i didn’t care that my body hurt. i didn’t care about the “idk’s” or the B-12. I was going to be able to contribute more to paying bills. i was excited about paying bills and if that isn’t the most adult thing you’ve ever heard me say.. and I’ve had to schedule multiple doctor appointments. by. my. self.

the following week, my doctor called me. like, my actual doctor. at 8 o’clock in the morning. on a monday. I’m not complaining. I’m really not, but she didn’t really have good news. turned out that my proteins and cell count in my spinal fluid were high and she wanted me to have an MRI on my spin. my whole spin. which, if you didn’t know, is 3 different tests. blah blah blah, i ended up having to schedule 2 different MRI’s. 2 MRI’s in 2 days. another fun fact; if you complain about your arm being sore from previous pokes, they put pokes in your hand instead.

and that brings us to today. i have a follow up appointment tomorrow morning with the neurologist where she will tell me the results of my MRI’s and i’ll have a few more blood tests done. I’ve always been hopeful, but its running pretty low right now. I’m ready to feel normal again.

anyway,

its been about 4 days since I’ve been alone. like, alone. the past couple of days I’ve had to get up early for MRI’s, then rush off to work. i work all day and then come home to zak. who i miss all day while I’m doing MRI’s and being at work. last night i was so tired that i let zak ramble nonsense like he does without telling him to shut up. (part of me wanted to see how long he would ramble before he stopped. no one will ever know what I’m talking about, because no one knows how weird the kid is, so it sounds like I’m being mean.)
zak is off doing fun things with coworkers tonight. even though i think he wanted me to go, he didn’t make me. i like to think that he knew i needed some time alone. so, I’m finally alone. just me and the babbling fish tank.

heres some other things about me:

I’ve been considering an all black wardrobe.
i have been eating A LOT of scrambled eggs and toast lately.
i’m considering being gluten free. for headache purposes. (btw, the medicine my doctor prescribed me for my headaches didn’t work out. i took it for two days, but the side effects were worse than just having a headache. I’ve had headaches all my life. i can deal with them. i don’t need medicine that may only help prevent prevent headaches instead of getting rid of them all together. i digress.)
we’ve booked a venue for our wedding.
with full-time, comes every other saturday off. or so I’m told. i’ve only been full time for like 2 weeks. anyway, I’m looking forward to that.
i received my tax return and I’m rich now.
zak has been the most amazing person i could have ever asked to have in my life. he really is taking good care of me.
our bathroom is falling apart.
even though i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, it is also my day off. and its pay day.

over all, you could say i am very much looking forward to the future. i mean.. just in case you were wondering..

i complain, but nobody listens.

hi, everyone! long time, no post, huh? well, i have a big one for you today. i do have a few “guide lines” and/or “rules” you need to look over before you continue reading,though.
here they are:

• feel free to comment and voice your opinions and thoughts on what I’m about to say. however, i will not acknowledge or reply to any of them as i do not care.
• as you read, you may feel “singled out” and take what I’m saying too personally. please don’t. just.. don’t. its not you, its me. but hopefully you stop thinking so much about yourself.
• finally, as you read, remember, this is MY blog, and these are MY opinions. this is the internet, and we are all allowed to say whatever we want no matter how uneducated it is.

alright. only 3 rules. purrrrity simple stuff. lets get started!

all my life, I’ve never been one to hold back my opinion. probably around 78 times a day you can hear me say, “thats dumb,” or “i hate that.” maybe sometimes its “hahahahaha! oh my god! its so teeny!” but thats about as deep as i get. my opinions aren’t strong. i don’t care about anything enough.

although i may voice my weakly worded opinions 78 times a day, i try my best to keep it off of social media.

AND STOP

lets get something straight. I’m not here to complain about people complaining about other people complaining on social media. as the 3rd rule states: “this is the internet, and we are all allowed to say whatever we want no matter how uneducated it is.”

AND CONTINUE

granted, I’m not perfect. but i can say that for the past year or two, i’ve held back voicing my opinion on social media. it’s just not worth it to me. no one gives a shit what i think. and when someone does give a shit, its not someone i even give a shit about. its all just a big shit circle.

however (dramatic pause)
there is one thing in particular that i see a lot of “complaining” about that i just cannot stand. (quotations around complaining because I’m not sure that that is what i want to call it) i can’t fucking stand it to the point that I’m going to have to say something.

nurses.
nurses are consistently trying to prove to the world that they don’t get enough credit for being nurses. everyday they work 14 hour shifts cleaning asses, and wiping puke up off the floor. everyday they lose another favorite patient that changed their life. everyday they do the work of a doctor but are still underpaid.

that stuff is all true. (mostly. don’t quote me on that) nurses do a lot and deal with a lot. and thats amazing. and we need them. but when i see shit like this:

this shit grinds my gears. you don’t just wake up one day, and apply for some nursing job on craigslist. you have to go to school for that. you chose to become a nurse. you already knew all of these things were going to happen before you took the job. oh, and news flash, this is not the only job where this shit happens. i am a part-time framer at a hobby lobby and like half of this shit happens to me all the time:

*needs to pee
*2 families are calling for status updates on their order
*one customer is LOUDLY demanding to see a manager
*the district manager is making his rounds
*
*the pizza just arrived and I’m short my portion
*the frame shop manager has a kid on the way,
*his wife is currently not working,
*and he’s not making enough to support a family
*
*no cafeteria option
*has washed hands for the 197th time
*just got called dumb by someone who didn’t pass the 10th grade
*the little old lady, whose 89 years old, just asked “is there someone else who can help me?”
*
*literally CAN’T get the drymount to stop beeping
*
*

no, i don’t wipe any butts. and i don’t deal with death on the daily. i don’t work long 14 hour shifts, and i don’t save lives. but 13 out of 18 things are pretty much the same.

stop trying to make people feel bad for “not giving you enough credit” for doing a job you decided to do. we know your job is hard. we know you don’t get enough credit. but you are not the only profession that doesn’t get enough credit.

how about the bank teller who counted your money back to you correctly.
how about the IT guy who fixed your printer because you were to lazy to google it yourself.
how about the realtor who found you the house of your dreams and stayed in your budget.
how about the cashier that didn’t throw your bananas and checked your eggs for any broken ones.
how about the hairstylist who didn’t cut more than you asked.
how about the cable guy who climbed a pole to make sure the cable is running to your house correctly.
how about that framer who took the time to add spacers to your frame, even though you didn’t ask for them, so that over time your 1920s photograph of your grandmother wouldn’t adhere to the glass.

I’m not trying to make you feel bad, or make anyone angry. i just want you to realize that everyone does a job that they don’t get enough credit for.  some of them take an education, and some don’t.

some wipe butts, and some don’t.

 

 

 

whats new.

i’ve been rather mute within the past 4 months, which is crazy to say knowing that I’ve done some pretty cool things that are actually pretty note worthy. my last post was somewhere towards the beginning of july and here we are on december 4th. I’m going to do my best to go through the last 4 months and update the world on what i’ve been doing. (if for whatever reason any of you reading this feel that i have left something out, my apologizes. its not that i don’t care, its that i don’t remember. but it still might be that i don’t care.)

here we go!

august:
i think zachary had finished up his summer internship in kansas city around this time? i know he came to visit in-between the said internship and classes starting again. he was offered a job at the company he interned at, which he accepted. of course, before any real decision making was made, we had talked about it, because that meant moving to kansas city. oh hey, zak and i are moving to kansas city.

anyway, like i said, classes started in august. yes, i know. why am i talking about classes if i graduated? well, i didn’t pass college algebra. again. what do they say, third times a charm? well, finals are in 2 weeks so i hope so.

Nicole, Matthew and baby – Thanksgiving 2014

OH MY GOD, I ALMOST FORGOT. my grandmother had decided to move to good ‘ol dodge city, and the whole moving date had been around my brothers birthday. so, they drove up to ark city to help my parents and grandmother move her stuff here, and to celebrate my brothers birthday while they were here.

long story short, nicoles grandmother, mother, and sister joined my family, plus zak, for a little birthday get together, and in the midst of playing apples to apples, my brother and nicole anNOUNCED THAT THEY ARE HAVING A BABY.

i’m gonna be an aunt.

september:
the only thing i can remember happening in september was riot fest, and the state fair. what is riot fest you say? to put it simply, its a music festival. 3 day music festival to be exact. oh, and did i mention MANCHESTER ORCHESTRA was there.

anyway, my very good best friend, sari, and her best friend, katie, drove up from dallas. zak drove in from manhattan. i picked up my BFF, callie from her house, and we all piled into avehicle and trucked up to denver where we met up with spencer (my other very good best friend, and sari’s sister), and her now fiancé, matthew, and we all went to riot fest.

we saw a ton of great bands, it was hot, it rained on us, we ate really awesome burritos, we stayed in a really weird hotel, callie got her septum pierced, i was front and center for manchester, and i think we all had our own ups and downs, but as a group, i think we did great!

riot fest really deserves its own blog post, and i wish i would’ve written that after the whole experience, but at least you get a sense of what happened.

don’t worry, i didn’t forget about going to the fair. i went with my parents, on a tuesday. it was hot, and there wasn’t any buckets of cookies, but i got a giant corn dog, and saw ALOT of chickens. dad almost bought a sauna.

october:
i forget that october even happened. maybe its because gunter went missing. he was gone for almost 2 weeks, and i had almost lost hope that id ever see him again. he turned up in my neighbors house. i got a phone call on my way into the movies from a lady that said she found a cat in her friends house. i started crying, in the mall. how embarrassing. anyways, whatever. he was stuck in my neighbors house like 2 houses away from like 2 weeks. HE WAS 2 HOUSES AWAY THE WHOLE TIME.

zak and i took our first apartment hunting trip. its weird how tired you get doing that kinda thing. in-between being shown apartments,we stopped at a quiktrip for breakfast, we ate at a little mexican place for lunch, zak drove us around the city a little bit, we stopped into half price books where i purchased a cookbook, and then we stopped at a different quiktrip to fill up and get a snack before we headed home.

the other thing i did in october was i actually dressed up for halloween. i was medusa. it wasn’t too crazy, and it wasn’t actually on halloween, but callie and i met up with a few friends from my work at this rock/metal show where they had a costume contest. it was fun. note worthy.

november:
I GOT MY TONSILS OUT. but what was crazy was like exactly a week before my surgery i got really sick. my throat was so swollen, i was hot, i was cold, my whole body hurt, i lost like 10 pounds, and i actually called into work. i was put on antibiotics and steroids to help me get well for the surgery. i was very worried i wasn’t going to be able to have the surgery due to not being well enough.

sick – getting physical for surgery

anyway, i guess i was well enough because they took my tonsils from me. i was quite miserable for the first week. couldn’t eat. could barely drink. my throat felt disgusting. i was losing more weight. i was constipated. all i wanted in life was pizza, and to be able to enjoy it.

after surgery

i wouldn’t say I’m fully recovered. its been probably 3 – 3.5 week since the surgery. i can eat and drink just fine. i can feel my tongue, i almost have all my taste ability back, (unless everything tastes really dull now.) i poop regularly, and i think i actually sound like myself now. not actually sure on that last one.

also, zak and i made our second and final apartment hunting trip. this one was quite

frustrating, and it was in the midst of my recovery, but we decided on a place. as of today, the lease has been signed, and a deposit has been made, we move in on the 2nd, and i have not packed a single thing.

many of you have asked, and I’m sure many more still will, but I’m not taking gunter to KC. i love him, and i will miss him, but he is an expense we don’t need right now. plus, this is his home, and i can’t give him an outdoor life living in an apartment.

thanksgiving also happened, but i think I’m over turkey. for like.. ever. if next thanksgiving, all i had was cheeseburgers or pizza, id be happy. a lot less work for a way better meal.

and that brings us to today.

the next big thing is callie’s birthday. she’s turning 21 on the 10th. make sure to wish her a happy birthday. or else. other than that, you probably won’t hear from me until after we move to KC. wish us luck on our journey into being functioning adults.

i am an introvert.

i recently googled the definition of an introvert. this is what i got:

a shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person

i can maybe agree with most of that.
i consider myself an introvert, but i don’t consider myself shy. i don’t really consider any introvert as shy.

i feel like a lot of people think an introvert as someone who is afraid and cut off from the world. “anti-social” no. no no no. wrooooong.

yes, hello. my names reace, i’m an introvert, and i’m here to tell you what its like to be me.

on a regular day, i wake up, shower, do my hair and make up, get dressed, have some breakfast, and then i have what i call a calm down. a calm down is me leaving enough time for myself to collect my thoughts, my inner being, before i go to work. (or whatever thing i have to do that day)

at my job i am a cashier and in constant contact with people. believe it or not, i try my best to stay in a chipper mood, but half the time it has to be faked. people mentally drain me. when i get off work, all i want to do is be alone, and lay down.

now, i know what you’re thinking, “do you ever hang out, or even have any friends?” yes, asshole, i do.

i would consider my best friend, callie, a fellow introvert. she is a very outgoing, caring, joyful person, but she very much enjoys her alone time. this allows us to spend a lot of time together. we are able to sit together in silence without the pressure of trying to entertain each other, but when we want to, we can have a lot of fun, and we do things.

“well, do you have any non-introvert friends?” yes, asshole, i do.

i actually just gained the most extroverted friend i’ve ever had. her name is katrina. katrina is also a very outgoing, caring, joyful, fun-loving person

BUT

if the silence lasts too long, she gets bored. she always wants to be doing something, having fun, laughing. and i think thats great. theres so much sparkle in her eyes. she is literally the life of the party.

BUT

its exhausting. on my end. don’t get me wrong, i love being with the kid, but sometimes i just want to be boring. i need time to recharge and collect my inner being.

with this being said, maybe i should explain what i do with my alone time. what do i do during a calm down.

sometimes i just watch tv. sometimes i lay on my bed and listen to music. sometimes i go through my clothes, or my books, or my art supplies. sometimes i draw, or write. sometimes i just sit and think. alone.

so, my names reace, and i am not antisocial, i am selectively social. i am not boring, i am recharging. i am an introvert, and sometimes i need to be alone.

pet peeves

5 pet peeves

1. sarcasm.

i used to have a friend that wasn’t even sarcastic, but intentionally rude to people, but everyone thought she was being sarcastic. i’m no longer friends with this person, and i pity those who keep her in their lives. and thats all i have to say about that.

2. lack of communication.

this one happens a lot between my brother and i, and my boyfriend and i.

my brother will tell me something, that is supposedly a secret, but fails to mention that i’m not to tell anyone, and then i tell someone. and things get ruined.

i.e., he tells me about a project he’s doing, and i tell my mom that he’s making things, and then it turns out the things made in said project are for my mom.

my boyfriend just doesn’t tell me all what exactly is going on, and then things are always a surprise to me, but “he thought i knew.”

i could say this one happens a lot between my dad and everyone. but in all reality, my dad just don’t listen.

3. other peoples dogs.

its not that i don’t like dogs, its that i don’t like your dog.

dogs stink, and eat poop, and roll in poop, and lick their butts, but with my dog i at least know where she’s been, and why she stink. yours, i have no idea, and that grosses me out.

so, no. i don’t want to pet your dog, and i don’t want it to f**cking jump on me, and i sure as hell don’t want it in my face. thank you.

4. music.

i hate when people put down other peoples music tastes. its rude, and who even cares what other people listen to. you aren’t them. be nice.

5. ice water.

i like more ice than water when i’m drinking ice water. if there is more than half water in my glass, i won’t drink it.

i specifically ask for “water, lots of ice” when i order at restaurants, and when i’m given a poor glass after asking that, NO TIP. just kidding, but seriously were you even listening.

day 30. / birthday.

your hopes for your blog.

my hopes.

its funny how i started this 30 day thing out with how i always have hope. and ending the 30 days with my further hopes.

i can only hope that i keep up with regular postings.

in the beginning it seemed to be easy. the topics were simple enough to talk about, and i seemed to always have the time to sit down and write. i was soon proven wrong when i got busy, and topics seemed too difficult to want to actually talk about.

but,

i want to keep this going as long as i can manage it. its a weird satisfaction. i thought i’d be worried about how many people were reading it, or even knew it was happening. but everyday i get comments about it, and word of people reading it. i was always surprised that someone was actually enjoying this little journal. i guess you don’t need to make a fuss about the small stuff. the right people will find their way.

 

in other news,

today is my 20th birthday. nothing too special. i’m no longer a teen, but still can’t purchase my own booze.

i woke up very sickly yesterday morning and was rather miserable. plugged up ears, stuffy/runny nose. sore throat, and a slight headache. oh man, what do you call it? a cold. in the summer.

anyway, the sickness has carried over from yesterday, slightly better, like 7%. i don’t know that i’ve ever been sick on my birthday, but it didn’t help that i also had to work. i know, i know. why didn’t i ask off? well, i’ve always asked off on my birthday, i didn’t see a problem with working on my birthday until i realized i was only scheduled to work 3 days this week, and what do ya know, one of them just has to be on my birthday. WTF.

but ya know what? i had a really good day. despite the being sickly part.

i was blasted awake by birthday texts (most of which were from my brother consistently reminding me that today is my birthday.) my brother had sent me iTunes money, so i bought the ‘newest’ album by Portugal. The Man. i had a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. (i know what you’re thinking, oatmeal? yes, oatmeal. i really enjoy oatmeal. we’ve actually been out for quite awhile and i’ve been eating f**king LIFE cereal for weeks.) i went to work and was greeted with ‘happy birthday’s and a wicked homemade card from the wonderful Kaitlyn. another coworker gave me a ‘birthday girl’ pin to wear on my vest, which allowed customers to greet me with more birthday wishes. Erica had brought me a piece of cake which i was able to enjoy on my lunch, along with delicious bean dip made by my dearest Tristin, for my birthday. my boss told me ‘happy birthday’ every time he saw me, and to top off the day, i came home to a wonderful home cooked meal just for me. (my parents even waited to eat with me even though it was so late.) my mother made me my favorite. chicken noodles and mashed potatoes. followed by a cute little jello dessert and donut holes.

of course, i’ve received multiple birthday wishes via Facebook, Twitter, and SnapChat throughout the day. and i’m still getting them.

Thank you all for making this sickly birthday a great one. i am so thankful to have such caring people in my life.

day 25.

your biggest regret.

i’ve given this one a lot of thought, and i can’t. i don’t have regrets. a part of me thinks that maybe i refuse to have regrets. whatever decisions i have made in my past, have been made, and at that time that was what i wanted.

i’m someone who believes everything happens for a reason. i guess i believe in fate? every decision i make in my life is helping me reach that fate. my fate.

so, no regrets. and i refuse to feel sorry for anyone with regrets. filling your heart with regret, is wasting space for things that matter.

day 24.

3 healthy habits.

this isn’t actually todays topic. but todays topic didn’t really seem easy to talk about, so i’ve picked one from a day i missed to switch it out. so yeah, 3 healthy habits.

1. i get myself up.

this means that since the 5th grade, i have been getting myself up in the morning, on time and on my own. for school, for work. early departures for road trips. “works outs” you name it, i get myself up for it.

this is probably because i don’t really like to be late. even if i absolutely don’t want to go to the thing i have to wake up for. theres just less problems to deal with if you’re just on time. i also super hate rushing. makes me hot.

2. i do my best to look the part.

this means i dress and do my make up appropriately to go with whatever i am doing. i do my hair and make up for work. jeans, belt, shirts that show very little.

i take advantage of situations where i have the opportunity to look nice. weddings, bridle showers, baby showers, funerals, graduation parties. dodge city days. (LAWL LOLOLOL. just kidding.) living in a small town with very little to do, its fun to actually get dressed up.

however, now that i do the college classes and such, i get up with like 10 minutes to get to class, with little to zero effort put into my appearance. as long as i got the clothes covering all the right parts, and the correct backpack, f**k the rest. college sucks.

3. I’m pretty cleanly for how lazy i am.

i take at least one shower everyday, where i shampoo/condition my hair. i brush my teeth, wash my face, wash my body, and occasionally shave. (yes, i brush my teeth in the shower. you should try it. so much easier than doing it over the sink.)

i put deodorant and perfume on everyday. i clean my ears, not everyday, but maybe every other day. maybe less. (i hate the feelings of q-tips in my ear)

there are days i don’t shower. those are usually days i don’t work. i still take the time to look clean. i touch up, or completely redo my make up. i put some dry shampoo in my hair. more deodorant and perfume. mouthwash.

i have a fear of legitimately smelling bad, but not being able to notice that i smell. and I KNOW people won’t tell me because how often do YOU tell people they stink when they stink. zero.
i wish i had better habits like, oh i get up and run on the treadmill for 30 minutes every morning at 5:30 am. or, i always eat a large healthy breakfast with plenty of fiber. or, i walk my dog everyday for 20 minutes AND i pick up her poop. but i don’t do any of those things. the last time i decided to run i had shin splints for a week. i do try to eat breakfast, but mostly its just to get something in my stomach before work so i don’t die before my lunch break. as for walking my dog, on the rare occasion that i actually do that, i only pick up the poop if someone sees her take a dump.

at least i can get up, shower, and get dressed all on my own.